My Black son can't take your white daughter to Prom.
It is the culmination of senior year, Prom. For weeks I have gone back and forth with my son as he has tried to decide who to ask. He has a great group of friends that have loved, respected and supported each other throughout high school. They attend every event as an entourage, each taking turns as the superstar. So who to ask wasn't a HUGE issue, it was more of a technical issue. Every Homecoming, Christmas, Powder Puff, and yes, Prom picture has been taken as a group. They are inseparable!
So when he decided to take a buddy that he had known since middle school, I was relieved. They were in the same group last year at prom so this year would be easy. We knew the parents. We've been to their home. Our kids had even transferred to a new school together.
He asked, she said yes.
Imagine my surprise when my son came home for lunch today and told me that his date gave him a tearful cancellation and said that her father didn't "believe in that." It knocked the wind out of me, but my son handled it like a man. He was sober and mature. But I knew he was hurt. He passed up the opportunity to hang with his friends at the local burrito shop to come home and talk to me.
After our conversation, I wept. I ached for my son. All that he had worked for and achieved in his lifetime was taken away from him in an instant. For those few seconds, my son was nothing but a worthless nigger unworthy to be in the presence of a white girl. He had been lynched 2012 style. Publicly ridiculed and punished without having committed a crime. Sentenced to a slow death with a lethal injection of hatred that will inevitably bring about a tinge of fear and inferiority that would last him a lifetime.
This is not an issue that I choose to sweep under the rug. It is a wound that can only heal with exposure. We have exercised restraint in many other instances. But this story will be told. We have pioneered many efforts and made tremendous sacrifices in an effort to break down racial barriers in our community. It is my belief that this is a "sin thing" more than a "skin thing." Remember, we know this family well (not well enough apparently). Our kids attend Christian school together ~one of which was covenantal~ Yet they have misrepresented themselves as well as Christ.
Yes, there WILL be a dialogue. Unlike the public embarrassment my son was sentenced to today, it will be held in private and the issue will be discussed. The days of little Black boys being the token friend, stellar athlete, lead singer, and (my personal favorite), charity case in lily white churches and communities must cease. Stop pimpin' the kids! Was he invited to your house? Your birthday party? Or do you only sing his praises when he scores in the game? If he can't be part of your (entire) world, you should really evaluate whether or not you are fulfilling your purpose as it pertains to winning souls to God's Diverse Kingdom.
Let us no longer make excuses. Can we please commit to one another to try to do better? Can we share this world God has given us with an appreciation of our differences? Can we truly embrace the differences in one another and not just cop out with "I don't see color" and go on our merry way to the other side of town? Can we TRULY lay our sins before God and ask him to help us, heal us, and restore us? Can we repent and change our ways?
In time, my son will heal from this, but he will never be as secure in himself as he was yesterday. I'll get over it, and we'll move on. Until then,
We're being razed.....
Labels: Christian parenting, racism
posted by Dawn @ 5:37 PM
91 Comments
91 Comments:
I am sorry that he had to experience this. Please teach him that not everyone has the same feelings or beliefs. Raising young black men in this world is probably more difficult today than 40 years ago because of the "hidden racism". I am not sure which is worse, telling him to his face or behind his back. Continue to pray for those who are lost.
You worded it with power and grace. I'm so sorry your family is experiencing this. We've come so far from a century ago... but this makes me question "have we really?". Jesus loves ME, this I know... for the Bible tells me so. RED AND YELLOW, BLACK AND WHITE... WE ARE PRECIOUS IN HIS SIGHT!
Yes & Amen! We are reminded daily of why Christ went to the cross...to save those who are lost.
My dear friend. My hope remains in the sovereign Christ. Today, I am even more grateful for the sacrifices our parents made to guard our hearts and teach us to live the words of that song. Unfortunately, the baton was not passed in every household. Thanks for your friendship and support. Pray for me....
Dawn: My heart breaks. I'm somewhat speechless but wanted to let you know I am praying for you, for your precious son, and for all his friends. I wonder if her father realizes the scar this might place on the friendship, and I can only hope and pray that this dear friendship and camaraderie this group of young folks feel only STRENGTHENS going forward. It makes me sad (and a bit angry) that in this day and age people still do things like this without consideration of precious "friendship" which knows no boundaries, does not discriminate, and can surpass any adversity. Praying for all of you dear friend - be strong! Love and hugs! -Lori Williams-Hagewood (c/o '93)
Wow. Words can't express how my heart hurts that your son had to go through this. We are all one color in the eyes of the Lord and no child, at any age, should have to experience prejudice of any nature. Very well worded. I am glad that friends shared on Facebook. Let this be a reminder to all of us that we should all love one another!
Thank you Lori. Do continue to pray. I'm sure her father does not realize the extent of the damage done. Even in that father/daughter relationship. My son is strong, but has already begun to second guess his worth. We are working through that tonight. Thank you for your wonderful words. Blessings to you my friend.
So true Lisa. My prayer is that love will abide. And that each of us learn from our mistakes to correct our prejudices and allow EVERY child the opportunity to be everything God desires them to be. Thanks for the encouragement friend.
That is just insane! He is one of the sweetest guys I've ever met and he wouldn't do anything to hurt anybody! He's a blessing to everyone around him and brightens up everyones day with his sense of humor, and that situation saddens me terribly! But I know there are many others who would love to go with such a sweet guy and friend! :)
Dawnita....imagine how this young lady must feel as well. I have been there and lived what she is going through, granted it was 1990 & 1991. Your son has you as his support system. Who does this young lady have to lean on and cry during this time? Will taking a stand for your son and your family only cause her world to come crashing down around her? Please go forward and stand eye to eye with these false people and call them onto the carpet. They deserve more than the verbal lashing I am sure you will deliver with your well educated and thought out words. Just remember the young lady who so proudly and with great excitement said "yes' to your son. Be strong for her, too.
Thank you Corrie! It is very sad. I will depend on you to continue to be the peacemaker that you are and provide positive leadership in this situation. Be blessed!
It broke my heart to read your blog (shared by Michelle Williams Harper). I think you were in my daughter's class at Franklin ('91)(Terri Revell). I was raised in MT where I live again. My kids were born in Seattle, and lived in Spokane before we moved to TN. They were not exposed to black kids in either city so TN was a huge cultural change for them. Both my children had lots of friends of all races and I'm grateful for those friendships. My college roommate dated a black football player in the mid to late sixties in MT......we both got lots of nasty phone calls from ignorant people. I had hoped things had changed over time.....apparently there are still ignorant people around. You, your son and family are in our thoughts and prayers. Barbara Brensdal Kem
Yes, this young lady has been my son's friend since middle school. My son was devasted. He has been to their home numerous times. He was welcomed. We were welcomed. There MUST be dialogue. They have to know it's not okay. This father has not only strained the kids' relationship, but he has also damaged the father/daughter one. The days of sweeping it under the rug is over, we know too much....
I hope my "white" daughter is fortunate to find a "mate" or "date" as wonderful as your son!!! I hate how this must have hurt and empathize with you as you parent your young men through situations like this. May they be non existant or at least rare! I agree with Donna, this seems like something from long ago. Thank you for publishing it... It's good to see ourselves in our worst light--It helps bring about change I believe. I can hardly stand thinking how this must have made him feel!! It is one thing to be hurt by someone that you can pin the "jerk" label on, but to be betrayed by someone close that is supposed to be a friend...well, I just don't have words...sigh. God I hope reading this has changed me.
As you said "2012 style" lynching! This is a hate crime and should be reported to the authorities!
Thank you Barbara, for teaching your children about diversity. I do remember Terri. As you know well, it takes work and sacrifice to deal with the ugliness of life. It is not easy. But because of people like you, things have changed. At the same time, they have also stayed the same.
The betrayal was the hard part. It's easy to avoid tough situations and relationships that are seen from afar, but to be misled is painful. My son is broken, but God will restore him. I hope this changes ALL of us. Thanks friend.
It was reported to the HIGHEST authority.
Dawn,
I don't know you, but wanted to share my story. When I entered my interracial marriage last year as a white girl, praise the Lord, I had full support of my family! Still, in those early days of dating my man, I saw insecurity in him due to how people had treated him in the past. It opened my eyes and for the first time, I experienced that hate. Sometimes I've weeped over the damage that was done by my inferior race to the man I love. God will restore your son as He promises, and I'm happy to say those insecurities of my husband are gone. Please tell your son, this has happened to correct and teach the other family, not him. Praying for your family and your son right now, and that precious girl who in spite of her family has learned to love the way God intended.
What an illustration of the ugliness of life uninformed by the gospel. I appreciate your insight that "this is a 'sin thing' more than a 'skin thing.'"
Dawn,
first off let me begin with this comment. I am well aware of how this kind of thing takes place. Probably everyone who has commented on this page know my wife and me. We attend church there in Macon with most of you commenting here, we are a bi-racial couple and we have suffered first hand what it is you speak of. This first thing that happened was when were dating, I was told not to bring my then date to my parents home. Secondly I was told that if either one of my parents died, not to attend the funeral. I was told such things as "you don't see a blue bird with a red bird" and such trash as that. My wife who is much smarter than me, by the way she is black and I am white...that narrows it down a bunch, told me that there was nothing we could do about it...notice the term "we" that should jump right out at you, there is noting "you" can do about such things. As much as you want to there is nothing other than getting your blood pressure up and justifiably so wanting to go over to these people's home and setting them straight, "you" can do. As we had to learn through much prayer and TRUSTING God. We just let it go and let God, it's now an amazing testimony of the power of prayer and God. My family will now fight for my wife, and our wonderful mixed son. It was nothing we said or did to them, it simply was prayer and a lot of it and God's grace that made my family whole. It is with much prayer that I even commented on this, because I know nerves and feelings are raw right now, and I intend no disrespect to anyone. Just believe in the faith you profess, trust God through Jesus and he can fix the problem a whole lot better than you, and without the possibility of loosing all the friends that are involved. I don't like being anonymous so God Bless! Jeff and Teraye Law
I am a friend of one of your classmates. Just wanted to let you know your son and family are in my prayers. It is awful that this kind of hate still exists. I was raise color blind and i am raising my kids the same way.
God bless you all.
Carie
As a "preacher's kid" child, I was yanked from a drinking fountain marked "colored" and berated by my mother; then shoved to the fountain marked "white." At age 5, I argued, "but I am colored, I am pink not white." I did not understand then and I do not understand now. I grew up not understanding why my neighbor's maid had to eat in the kitchen and why she could not eat with us. We loved her like family ~ she was sometimes nicer to us than family.
As an adult, I birthed a new generation ~ my daughter(a blonde Swede) and her best friend an African American) did not understand why they both could not use the same Photo I.D. to "save money" sneaking into the amusement park! They saw themselves not just as best friends, but as sisters! They did not see the color of their skin as the issue ~ their answers were, "we will just wear a hat!" thinking it was the blonde and black hair as the issue! We bought the extra ticket.
I see the spirit and the soul of a person not judging by size, nationality, apparel, beauty, marital status, creed, or anything else that I observe being basis for discrimination. I am a Christian and I read my Bible to say we are all God's children, His family, and someday we will all live together in His Kingdom in Heaven ~ I just figure we need to begin practicing here on earth. Just thinking ~
how can her father tell her this crap its her prom and your boy's prom I hate racism its not the fathers prom his was at least 17 years ago so its not his say
This broke my heart.
Being the "White Girl" who was in love with a black man in high school with a family who "didn't approve" - I guess it really hit me. Although, in my situation - I chose to go regardless what my parents thought - I do know how much it hurt Anthony knowing he didn't have my "parents approval" because of the color of his skin.
Love knows no color... Friendship doesn't either.
Makes me sad that we still live in a world like this.
Thank you for writing this...
I am a mother of three interraccial sons. I feel your pain. My kids are too "light skin",too "dark skin", too hispanic or not black enough for different people. The saddest part is that I got the most criticism from their dad because apparently I acted too "white" in his eyes. I finally gave up and got out and decided that I am a child of GOd and that He loves me as I am and that I will teach that to my sons. No, it has not been easy for them and like you my heart has broken for them. But my oldest is 25 y/o and proud of his inheritance. It is sad to see fellow "christians" acting so ignorant..
In 1981 my father broke my heart when he made me cancel a tolo date I had with my best friend because he was black. I was so embarrassed to have to go back and tell him after I had accepted. I know my Dad never understood the impact he had back then. I still remember that day and cringe as the shame returns to my mind. Mostly, shame for my Dad. I am so sorry this happened to your son and still happens today. It is pure ignorance and it needs to stop! Praying for restoration and healing for you and your precious family.
My heart aches for all of you, my friend. When I read your Facebook post yesterday, I could hardly believe it. My heart aches for your family and the young girl too who had her heart set on going to prom with your son. My prayers are with all of you.
Dawn I am so sorry that this happened to your family. Please know this white mama & daddy are interested in who you are in the inside. I will be praying for all of you! How is the young girl doing?
My friend Mike passed your link on to me. Thank you for sharing your son's story. My husband and I suffer the slings and arrows of being in an interracial marriage...our sons are 5 and 6, and I already bristle at the thought of them being rejected by both sides because of their mixed blood. I feel like we have come so far (I'm from Alabama) but most people will not treat everyone as a child of God.
Your words are beautiful, and your son is a great young man. You are "raisin' him up right"!
This makes me sick to my stomach. My heart is broken for your son and my eyes are opened just a little wider to the state of our fallen world. I am praying for his heart just as I'm praying for the father who has sinned in a way more grievous than he probably realizes. I will continue to read your blog and gain more wisdom in how to handle and heal in this situation. It shouldn't shock me anymore that these things happen in the body of Christ - but it does every time. As a pink skinned mother with a beautiful chocolate son I have felt the sting of rejection from those who profess Christ. Through my hurt I have silently praised God that my precious son isn't old enough to know what is happening. I pray for guidance every day because I know the day is coming when he will know what is going on and just that thought breaks my heart in two. Praying for your mama heart as well because I know it aches for your son.
Many people commenting fail to realize that a parent has the right to instruct their child the way they want to. This is a free country and good or bad we can make choices for ourselves or children. Now maybe the delivery of the father was harsh but it's still his choice. Also the family shouldn't have given mixed messages by inviting people of color to their home if they weren't "all in". It's easy to Judge and that's a sin too. I'm sure he's a very nice young man but a father or parent has the right to make those decisions. The father should have called and spoken with you all as parents and not left it up to children to work it out. What I don't like us the first assumption that if you don't like this subject you're a racist and a lot of pressure is put on the students to have all of this tolerance. It's peer pressure reversed if your child is asked and they say no then of course they are racist. It's personal choice bottom line. Some of this is on you all as parents as well to make sure your children are informed at how things really are and not set your children up for failure. Just because your child goes to a majority white school doesn't make them less black. Boycott the school for sports and send a message that you all are tired of being "token" when it suits the white establishment. It's easy for people to be "out raged" when it's not their child. Racism will never stop and people need to realize that the TV with shows like the "Kard" are not the normal and people need to stop kidding themselves that it is. These girls get with the wealthy black guys. So hypocritical of society. Your son obviously has strong parents and maybe all can learn from the experience.
Post all comments not just the ones that support what you believe in. If this is about honest dialogue then post all and don't be hypocritical.
I saw this linked to on Facebook and wanted to come here & tell you I am so sorry. It breaks my heart, really. I wish we as the body of Christ could come together & be unified in the way that Christ wants for us. This, it is really unacceptable.
I'm hurt for both your son and this young woman.
Praying for YOU as you bring to light something that needs addressing!
Just saw this... Very sad. I do know that many kids feel pressure to say yes at the school when in reality they really don't know what to do bc they don't want to be made a racist. It is what it is here in Macon. If this was about a white kid the dad didn't like it would be about class war. No one will be happy all the time. Glad the dad made a decision even though it wasn't the most popular one. More people side with this dad at the school than maybe you care to acknowledge. In fact 99% agree with him so does staff. If you don't like it then move him out otherwise learn to deal with this reality, he needs to get use to it. What do you expect going to a white school? That somehow the whites would adopt him as their own? They won't and never will. It's a step up for us and a step down for them. Let's stop having our kids live in this fantasy of color blindness. No white man wants his daughters prom pics with a black male as her post high school dating life will be over. Sister get past this and let him interact with strong black women. It wasn't fair to put him in a white school in the first place so some of this is your fault as well. If you talk with some of the other black kids they would also tell you they don't ask bc they already know the answer. Chillin out and laughing with each other doesn't mean they want something more. The desire is that their would be no blacks there at all. If we are to keep it real then let's keep it real. He will be fine bc strong parents create strong kids.
Hate crime????? This is what's wrong with society. Like it or not people can make their own decisions. This isn't a hate crime it's a life reality grow up. If you don't like something
Black society or comment on it and not agree then it's a hate crime. Very sad.
The funny thing about this post is that we agree on the basic disrespect of my son. You get it, but still feel the need to play devil's advocate. Funny how you have made this about the school when I never mentioned it. This is an issue of a Christian sinning against another. Scripture requires us to judge that SIN and go to him. (Matt. 18:15) Yes, we all have choices, but when we profess Christ those choices line up with the Word of God. I think we underestimate the intelligence of our children. Everything is not about peer pressure. Most of their time is spent at school. They make decisions and cultivate relationships daily. They risk betrayal, ridicule and embarrassment on a daily basis. They make good decisions, they make bad decisions. It's all part of life. As a parent, it is my job to show them the deeper things that can ruin their life or end it prematurely. Hidden hatred is one of those things. And please do not assume that we are naive parents because this is the first time you have heard of something like this. We live this drama everyday. I'm not really sure how sending my children to a Christian school is setting them up for failure? Our decision to come to this school was done with much thought and prayer. Again, our school has nothing to do with this. Contrary to popular belief, we were not recruited, pressured, or solicited to come. We simply showed up one day and did the paperwork. For the record, in our household our children are taught to be secure in their identity in Christ, not to measure their blackness. Thank you for your comments, and hopefully one day we can dialogue in a non anonymous kind of way. And yes, there is a lesson for ALL to be learned.
It is unfortunate that you think this is a one sided issue. It is hilarious that you think that you can tell me what to post on my blog.
Oh please! This is not a hate crime, it is one families personal decision. If the roles were reversed and a black family told their child that they could not attend the prom with a white child, do you think this would happen? Would there be such an outcry of injustice with someone whining "racism" and calling it a "hate crime"??? NO! The white family would say "Oh, honey, that is too bad. I'm sorry, ask another of your friends." I am so sick of people using their religeon as an excuse to cry "racism, and hate crime and this is not fair." Give me a break - so not everyone is going to want their kid to go to prom with a black child, or a white child, or an Asian child, or an Indian child, or a Native-American child, or a star-athlete child, or a geeky book-worm child or a child with a physical handicap, etc. etc, etc. --- the lists goes on and on. BUT, the only ones we ever hear whining about it are the African-American families.
Dawn ... my daughter shared the link to your blog on her Facebook page - I am not sure where she got it. If she is a friend of yours, I have raised her well. You seem to be the type of woman with whom I would be friends. I read your post and then read all of the replies. Interesting. First of all - there is absolutely no way to justify the actions of that father ... so-called "free country" or not. Having the freedom to adopt an attitude does not make it right. The world as a society has not come so far as to remove right and wrong. Racism - in any form - is just plain wrong. Second - although I am sure you are intelligent enough to place no stock in some of the posts here - I would like to step on the devil's head one more time and assure you that there are MANY "white" people who would be positively proud to have their daughter go out with a well-mannered Christian boy, regardless of his skin colour. I raised my children to choose their friends and mates according to their spiritual beliefs and behaviours and to choose ONLY on those criteria.I know many others (of all colours) who raised their children the same way. If your son reads these posts, please help him to understand that some of those "anonymous" posts that seem to side with racism and separatism are written by misguided, disillusioned and sheltered people who have no idea of life outside their own little cocoon. I pray that your son and your family continue to be colour-blind ... I am convinced that attitude is the will of the Father. Sincerely - Cynthia Collett, Ontario, Canada
Anonymous. Thanks so much for your bravery to post this comment. I am praying specifically for you today my friend, that God will remove the blinders from your eyes, heal your broken heart and reveal His everlasting love to you. It pains me that in your youth, you carry such bitterness and anger when God has such a great plan for your life. Macon is a great city with lots of diversity. Even if you stayed in your house for the rest of your life, you will never be able to deny God's diverse Kingdom. It is you my friend, that should consider the reality check. And that reality is that God is Ruler of all, and it is His desire is for us to seek him humbly, repent, and allow healing to come. ~2 Chronicles 7:14~ I love you with the love of Jesus.
My Dear Jeff and Teraye, I have admired your strength for years as you have made a beautiful thing out of private struggle. I totally agree with you my friend. God will fight this battle for us. We are merely reinforcing the walls around our son's heart and trusting our Savior. I know you to be a disciplined man that understands correction. It is not my intention to set anyone straight, but to go to our brother in private (Matt. 18:15). Jeff, you and I both know that there must be correction. What if he has never been challenged? What if he has never been offered the opportunity to repent? I know that somewhere in your struggle with your family, there had to be a conversation. And education if you will. If he refuses, we will continue to pray and wait on God. Thanks for your boldness to comment. I know you have helped someone in their struggle. Thank you for being my friend. Blessings to your family!
As everyone can see this is a hot topic that has comments on both sides answering emotionally and for good reason. There is a hurt mother, child, and many others that have been hurt from some type of rejection no matter the cause. We have freedom in this country to say and do what we want and sometimes thats good and sometimes its bad. Parents have the right to parent the way they want to and no man is better than another. FEAR is the issue hear and misunderstanding is also a cause of it. I think the father wanted to protect the family in how it may have looked as so many social networking sites make it impossible to make an image go away once it's made. There should have been a better approach to it and doesn't reflect badly on the young man. Since this is not a romantic situation I'm sure the father along with the mother and child wanted to somehow make sure that college dating life won't be hampered by an interracial pseudo dating photo (lets face it) would hamper his daughters ability to future date. A group photo is one thing but a single photo is not the same (like it or not). The reason the decision to ask was so difficult was the fact that deep inside he knew the answer and so did the daughter as I'm sure she already knew the answer he parents would give her. She really misspoke on giving an answer right away. This has no reflection on the young man but the value system of their home. I think if people can let this subject rest it can work out. To challenge the parents will only create more hostility and get no where. I hope you all can work this out so it won't be awkward for the students at that school. If not my concern will be more alienation for the young man as in adversity and stressful situations people tend to stick with those they have most in common and in this case seems to be skin color and he will most certainly be shunned out of the group causing more problems. My concern is with him not her as she will be okay because the group is more relatable to her. Anyway thanks for allowing people to comment I wish you all a peaceful outcome.
Your comments sadden me. It is unfortunate that such bigotry still exists. To pity my son for being Black and insinuate that he would ruin a girl's chance of future relationships shocks me coming from someone of your great intelligence. Silence has been the catalyst for the spread of a deep hatred that continues to poison the Earth and hinder progression. I do appreciate your participation in this discussion, but would be remiss if I did not point out the real reason we are on opposite sides of this discussion. I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins and was resurrected so that I may have eternal life. His life was sacrificed to show love to all mankind. As Christians we are to duplicate that love to everyone. In the body of Christ, race should not be an issue. My sincere prayer for you is that you experience the eternal love of Christ and allow it to penetrate your heart. I wish you peace as well.
Dawn,
Thank you for sharing this painful story. My heart aches for you and your son, as well as the friend who was forced to tell your son that she was not being allowed to be his date. My father also made me tell a friend "no" to being his date to a dance in high school. Our friendship was very strained after that because of my father's racism. I have never understood racism. It is something that brings me to tears and anger (righteously, I believe) very easily. I am the mother of white and black children. It hurts me to think of my children experiencing what your son has, and too many others have, experienced. You are so right that this is a sin issue. I will be sharing your story, in hopes that it will shed light on a sin that far too many Christians overlook.
Dear Anonymous, I am so glad you are dead wrong. I too pray the Lord will take your blinders off and you will see the beauty around you. You are missing out on a wonderful, beautiful thing! We are all one race, all from the line of Adam and then Noah, and I am thankful for the beautiful diversity the Creator has allowed us!
Sincerely,
A white girl with white parents who went to that white school..who now has black children and black friends and black neighbors and is so thankful for the love and encouragement we have received.
Dawn, I have no idea how you are able to handle so many of these comments with such grace and patience. The love of Christ and mercy you show is humbling. Righteous anger wells in me strong when I see such blantant, accepted, sinful racism among so many. I've been told it would be better for me to stay silent and let things "just play out, as change takes time." Well, I can't and won't be silent. I'm pretty sure 200 years ago I would have been burned at the stake for the way I feel....and I'm not afraid to be burned now. Love to your family, you are being covered in our prayers!
Friend, no one is saying that they cannot make a choice. Only that it is inherently wicked. It is a hate crime under the Highest Authority and will be judged justly. This doesn't mean that the guy should be arrested only that he that seriously needs Jesus.
Amen KJ. Blessings....
I was excited to share this blog post on my blog here: http://emilyelizabethstone.com/2012/02/25/saturday-sampling/
Love it!
Dawn,
You don't know me, nor I you, but I felt compelled to comment on this post. I am married to a black man and we have 3 gorgeous biracial children. Alls well that ends well, but at one time I was that white girl. My parents refused to let me go on a date with a young man because he was black. Not necessarily because they were racist, but because they feared the racists around us. No parent wants their child to face adversity in their life-you for your son, and perhaps them for their daughter. My parents heard the rhetoric everyday from the people around them-their jokes, their snide comments, and their flashes of violence towards those in mixed relationships. As evidenced by many of the comments here, those people are out there and they are still filled with hate.
Please do not say this has broken your son. I am sure you have raised a strong young man, with good values, and a solid foundation. If this incident is the worst he has to deal with in his life, then he will be very blessed. Unfortunately, that will probably not happen, and this will not be the only time he is judged as "less" because of his race. What makes a difference, and what proves them wrong, is going out there, head held high, and persevering in spite of them.
Dawnita, I initially read your blog post and was so moved and affected and proud of you--and still am. I am just now reading all the comments, including the one above, and I am absolutely stunned. Girl. I am feeling convicted that I have not been praying for you regularly through all this--you have been wearing the armor of God well, but I'm sure it is exhausting. Bless you, bless you, bless you, warrior mama & daughter of the Most High. May He strengthen you in every fiber of your being and restore where you have been wounded and wearied, fighting this most essential and very worthy battle. I stand with you.
This makes me so sad. My dad is a "not a racist" raciist. He is a good, decent, God fearing Christian man, he loves all people, regardless of their color, he just "doesn't believe in" interracial dating or marriage. When I fell in love with, got married to, and had a child with a dark skinned Colombian man, it put a huge strain on our relationship. My brother had to walk me down the isle because he refused. When my daughter was born, he didn't come. It wasn't until he held that baby in his arms for the first time that he finally started to come around. But even then, he told me it was easier for him to love her because she "looked white." My heart cries for you and your son. God bless.
I, of course, feel bad for your son, but I also feel bad for the girl who said yes (she obviously was wanting to go with your son if she did say yes). I feel bad that a young girl who didn't view your son as 'black', but a friend she wanted to attend a big HS event with... has parents who do not view it that way. How hard for her to understand their decision... and even harder to share with others (who I'm assuming have a lot to say to her!) She's kind of stuck at this stage of her life, still living with her parents. I hope your son is able to continue to extend love and friendship to her despite the actions her parents made her take.
Tough. Praying for you all as you navigate through this situation. Lots of conversation, emotions, and thought to sort through.
Amy
Dawn,
Mothers like you are the kind of mentors I desire to have as I navigate raising my own brown-skinned son. I am disgusted and embarrassed by the comments from those who deem actions like this as normal or even "right". It scares me to think of how the tides will change when my sweet 4 year old baby with an accent who sticks his fingers in his mouth for comfort will someday be seen as suspicious, a criminal, a lower-class citizen, or not worthy of affection because of the color of his skin. As a momma, I want to hold him close to me and protect him from (as you described it)modern-day lynchings...but since I know I can't do that forever, I want to learn from those who have raised their sons to be Kingdom men full of integrity and character. Please keep writing. I am a new fan of yours and I am praying for wisdom and strength and comfort (as I know your heart is aching for your child) as you stand up for your baby and teach him that inequality is battle worth fighting.
When I was in seventh grade the best looking boy in school liked me. I liked him too but he was black and I knew my family wouldn't approved so I pretended that I didn't like him. He's grown into a godly man and I am so sad that I didn't get to know him better because of the racism of my family. My churchgoing family no less.
It's good that there will be dialogue. We're brothers and sisters and we're calling to hold one another accountable. Racism is a sin. God once sent a man to the belly of a fish because he was so racist he didn't want to preach God's grace to a particular group of people. We see God bless interracial marriages in the Bible and know that when He said not to be unequally yoked, that had to do with how we love Him, not how we look.
I pray now that my own children know that no matter who they like, the only questions I will ask will be about the individuals relationship with Christ and when they don't have one, let us be a family praying for the lost in our community so that they can be in our family.
Hi. You don't know me in real life, but I saw this linked from Jen Hatmaker's blog, and I'm so so sorry you and your son had to experience this. I hope my little girl grows up to go to date/marry/go to prom with a godly man - whether black, white, or any other race. I pray we as a nation can actually get to a point where we look primarily at what God looks at - what is underneath, who a person really is, what their character is - instead of the color of their skin.
My Daddy said almost those exact same words to me when as a teenager a boy I really liked, who happened to be African-American, asked me out. I was overjoyed until I was told I couldn't go. Up until this point, race had not been an issue in our house. My siblings and I had friends of every race and we did everything together. My parents never treated any of the differently or negatively in any way. To be honest, though, my Dad wasn't around that much. He was a bit of a workaholic. And my Mother is just like me, loving everyone with no consideration of race. It wasn't until that night when I told my Dad that this boy had asked me out - and I was thrilled! - that I knew anything about my Dad's hidden fears and prejudices.
Fast forward 25 years. My Dad has since apologized for that decision. He has since realized, through working with a counselor, that he has let his childhood perceptions of the blacks in his poor and violent neighborhood affect his view of all people of color. I have forgiven him, but there is still a twinge in my heart when I think about how ashamed I am of who my father was then.
The boy I liked has gone on to become a pastor, marry a wonderful woman (who happens to be white) and father 5 beautiful children. We are still in touch and I value his friendship and his wisdom.
All of that to say, I am so sorry your son had to experience this. I cried as I read through your post, remembering being on the other side of that equation.
May God bless you and your son now and in the future.
I WAS that white girl with no support. Granted, it was in the late 80s, but it haunted me for years.
He was my first love. We were best friends for a long time. It was a conservative Christian boarding school. When faculty decided we were "spending too much time together" they alerted my father. On one of the long trips home, he gave me the "loving talk" about how this just shouldn't happen. That it was asking for more pain than we could possibly endure. Then, when my Grandfather found out, he basically disowned me. Eventually I caved. Having to choose between a single boy and my large family support system was more than I could handle.
I wish, back then, that we had been able to have the discussion out in the open. If my folks and his mom been able to all have an open discussion, things might have turned out very differently. Instead we all took what felt like the cowards way out.
I know it's been some time since you've posted this. I pray that all of this has been brought into the open so healing and love can continue. God's got big plans. Bless you for being honest about where you are in them!!
I think it may not be possible to miss the point more thoroughly than you have. I hope that the same outrage would be raised for any possible combination of race. Religion is also not being used as an "excuse." It is being used to point to what was expected to be a common set of morals but turned out not to be.
Dawn:
Thank you for your honesty and for your bravery at risking "making waves" in going to speak to this girls family. I'm sure the conversation has already happened as I'm somewhat late to to this party! :)
What many of the "anonomous" and a few other commenters are missing is that this is a covenant school environment. Our daughter attends a covenant school and as signers of that covenant, we are REQUIRED to have those covenant discussions, however uncomfortable, to work out our challenges. And this is a challenge for sure. For them to sign that covenant means they signed that they view all others as Children of God first. As a part of that covenant community, you are recognizing that they are not upholding that piece of the covenant. You are holding them accountable as you agreed to do. That is one of the hardest things to do!
I will continue to pray that your son not see this as a lessening of his worth but that it does break him. Break him in the sense that it drives him to God to find his true worth. We have 4 adopted children who were in foster care. They have been broken by their past but I know God is in control of what has happened and is turning their faces to Him.
So far all of our children are white (not by choice but by God's design). The issue of race will become much more in the forefront of our lives in the next year because we feel God pulling us to adopt from Ethiopia. Thankfully our families are so supportive and could care less if our children are purple! :)
Obviously you are doing a beautiful job as parents to raise a strong man of God. Our hope and prayer is that we are doing the same, raising our children to judge others based on character and heart, not skin color. That they will see others through God's eyes, not our earthly ones. Thank you for sharing and blessing me today!
Katie Gonzalez (Buford, GA)
www.seedsofhope-matt1720.blogspot.com
I feel sorry for what happened to your son. But to be honest, I've seen the opposite happen many times as well. My friend is a black male and his parents would not allow him to date a white female, despite the fact that her (very much white) parents approved. So despite not knowing what your son's friend's parents are like, I just want to point out that it doesn't exactly make a person racist to not agree with interracial relationships. People of all colors, yes even colored people like you and I, have their preferences - and many parents would simply prefer their kids to date within their own race. They're okay with friends of another race, but interracial dating, marriage, and kids is something else entirely. Just saying.
Dawn, this is my first exposure to you, your life & your writings. I can say I am so glad to share an inheiritance in Christ with you. In our Father's house are many mansions! I hope yours is RIGHT NEXT to mine! (((Hugs))) across the miles! Your sister in Christ, Lisa
How your son was treated is not who he is, or was, for even those few seconds. He is fearfully and wonderfully made. Your son is an Image-Bearer of the Most High and only True God - no matter what ANYone else says or thinks.
>>For those few seconds, my son was nothing but a worthless nigger unworthy to be in the presence of a white girl.<<
Love, Teri Bennett
Dear Dawn -
This is painful. I am sorry - but not surprised. I am angry with you and hurting with you over this broken sinful world and hypocrites that say one thing and do another. Thankful Jesus has overcome --- because man, do we have a long way to go.
We are a family of black and white thanks to the gift of adoption. We moved to the country our kids are from about three years after we adopted. Our white daughter now dates a black boy. His parents aren't happy. I totally hear you on this because I've watched her be hurt by their rules against the friendship ....
As Moms we want to protect our kids from all types of harm, physical and emotional are both grievous to us. I'm glad your son is aware of how much you love and value him and that he is learning about a Heavenly Father that won't ever let go or change His mind. This is tough stuff and I'm finding that people would rather lie about their deep rooted discriminatory thinking rather than enter into honest dialogue - rather than admit to long held prejudice and try to get to the bottom of it -- anyone that claims we're a post racial USA is in denial and must be protecting themselves from truth for a reason.
Hi there, Dawn
You don't know me ... but I was introduced to your "blog" by another friend. I am a Believer, who loves Jesus, my husband and my gaggle of kids. Oh ... and well, I happen to be white. But I read your post today and WEPT!! Did I mention, I also happen to have a son with beautiful chocolate skin? When I read posts like this, it opens my eyes even greater to the reality that will stare my son in his face one day. It rips me to pieces and makes me so angry! And I am so with you ... we can not sweep this under the rug. Can I even begin to apologize that our country - our "whiteness" has been ignorant for far too long. Oh, we think we've come a far way ... but I have learned in the few short months of being a Mommy to a beautiful little boy - that happens to have chocolate skin - that the only thing we have really done, is gotten good at hiding the truth. Thank you for exposing it! Can I hold your hand on this one and be another voice to raise the flag? One at at time!
It is HILARIOUS. So proud of you, Dawn. Keep speaking out.
We have known the difficulty of racism in the South and have painful stories as well. Oh how sorry I am for your pain today, there is nothing like this sharp ache in a mother's heart. In these times we have discovered a great opportunity, to truly love like Jesus did. This will be the only "solution"/healing for any racism. When our children are not included or are persecuted for color or race or different taste,for their purity choices or better yet for their spicy/joyful sold- out love for Jesus, we take our directions from the law of love that Jesus commanded in Matthew 5. To behold a child praying for that one who was so wicked in action, with the intention of forgiveness in their heart, (perhaps at times even before my heart may feel it) has been one of the MOST beautiful,glory- filled experiences of my life. As believers, this is our First option :“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." there is no other way...
First of all, I hurt for you and your son. I am in a Asian-Caucasian marriage and so far have not delt with this issue, but we homeschool and live in a place where mixed marriages are common. I remember my husband (Asian) telling me that it's cool for(some)white people to have minority friends, but only if there is one..then they start getting nervous when they invite others of the same race. It seems then like the friendship was only for their benefit, to say they were open minded, but not for a genuine appreciation for that person. If that was the case in your situation, it is sad that a Christian father would have a mindset like that. I pray that God will give you His wisdom to share His love in light of an unjust situation. And your son, too. He sounds like a wonderful young man.
Hi, I found your post through Jen's. man, this is SO HEARTBREAKING!!!!!!!!!! I come from a biracial family and I love the mixed heritages. WHY? WHY? WHY? WOuld that dad do such a thing?:( Well, of course, I know why :(( . SAD. Please post an update and tell us how the conversation went...dying to know!! Your son sounds amazing, because of his character. I am so sorry he has to go through this, praying the Lord uses this for good in his life. UGH...makes me mad. WHO CARES ABOUT THE COLOR OF SKIN!!!! WHY can't America get past this?? I'd be proud to have him ask my daughter, as would my hubby. LOOK AT THE HEART PEOPLE, that's all God sees...the rest just covers us up, it doesn't make us who we are!!! It sounds like you are dealing with this in such a Christ-like way....I admire that. Not sure if I could keep such restraint... ;). Praying!
Hi,
I found this blog through a link from Jen Hatmaker's blog. What a terrible story. But thank you. Thank you for posting it. I need to hear this. Your son's story is important. Also important are some of the comments following this story - many are such wonderful, encouraging, beautiful stories. Many just demonstrate a truth with which some of us need to be faced: racism is not dead. Much as I can be deluded into thinking that. Senseless degradation of others still occurs in our society and even under the name of Christianity.
Your grace is something that I aspire to... Your eternal perspective... The way that you are choosing to love your brother in Christ through bringing his sin to him. Your son's response. These are marks of Jesus. What a gift to have a small peek into your life as a woman of faith.
Thank you for sharing. And thank you for your confident, gracious responses to people who say that you are less. How awful to see them. But how important for me to see those as well. Your story and the stories of others has changed how I see the world. May God bless you with the continued joy that is yours as you choose love.
Emily
Dawn, I have never read your blog before, but I want you to know that the spirit of God shines through in you. I'm amazed at your ability to respond so lovingly to such idiotic comments. The idea that dating a person of color would ruin someone's future dating life is as racist as not wanting your child to date someone of another race. As a white mom to beautiful African daughters, I know a day like this will probably come for our family, and I hope I can handle it with half as much grace as you have.
Just wanted to say that my husband was asked by a black girl to a high school dance way back when; they were good school friends. My husband had said yes and went home and told his dad (my father-in-law,) that he had a date to the dance. (He never mentioned that she was black.) The girl came to school a few days before the dance and told my husband that she had gotten her dress and was so excited, as was he. Well the night of the dance, as he was putting on his tux, somehow it came up that the girl he was going with was black. His dad made him call and cancel... and pretend he was sick. Then his dad kept him home from school for two days just so she would think that he was really sick.
So awful! My husband told me that he felt SO BAD for her. That she must have cried the whole night. My heart breaks just thinking about it.
Fast forward to now, over twenty years later, my husband and I have adopted two black children and two brown children to compliment our four biological children. My father in law is head over heals for all his grandchildren, especially the one who has traveled all the way from Africa. Only God! Praise be to God.
All I can say, is that I'm so sorry. That's awful. Hard for me to believe that people can still think that way. *sigh*. Blessings to you. (I linked over here from Jen Hatmaker's blog and I love your writing!)
(Continued from first post)
While I know this is just a small scab compared to the wound your son is experiencing, I have to tell you that I understand your anger. It is justified, and I am sorry your family is dealing with this. I haven't read every comment to this blog, but I did get a moment to read some. I find it sad that people here are rebuking you for sending your son to a "white school". Call it ignorance, call it rose-colored-glasses, but didn't we desegregate schools decades ago? Either way, you and your husband spent a lot of time putting thought into the education of your children. Kudos!
One thing has stuck out in my mind while I was reading your blog post: the girl gave a "tearful cancellation". Good. That means she wasn't using her dad as an excuse. The issue here is her dad's small mind, not her fears of showing up to prom with a “black boy”. This means she understands God's love. She has looked passed society's compartments for people based on race and was looking forward to going to school with a young man of good character, whom she enjoys spending time with. Whether prom was supposed to be romantic for the two of them or not, she was absolutely looking forward to it. Please, point this out to your son. He needs to remember this.
Please remember that God has a perfect plan for you and your family. As cliché as this may come off, He allowed this to happen for a reason. It may not be a lesson for your family. He may have something in store for the father and daughter. The love and patience you show to them may be the message they need. Your standing up for your son may be the wake-up call the father needs to show him that he's not as Christ-like as he claims to be. Maybe he doesn't even realize how sinful his thought-process is. Who knows? I will hold you, your son, and your husband up in prayer; as well as the daughter (who knows her father is wrong, but is doing her best to honor to him) and her father. Jesus overturned some tables... so anger isn't a sin. Just make sure your anger remains righteous, and your message is appropriate. I'm sure you will, but it's a gentle reminder.
The parent's decision is not a "sin". It is not something with which I agree, but it is not my place to say that the father has sinned. It is, however, an opportunity for you to pick up the phone and have a conversation. Personally, that is what I would have done before posting about it and bringing attention to it to the community. If the parent has seen or heard of the posts, he is most likely not going to talk to you about it or he may just deny it. Why wouldn't you talk to the parent before posting about it on social networking sites?
Dawn thank you for sharing your experience. It brought to mind an experience of my own. I am now a 38 year old mother but at the age of 13 I went to my father looking for affirmation of something I thought I had all figured out. You see some kids at school had begun dating interracially. As you can imagine back in the 80's everyone had an opinion and most fell on the side of "it is just not right". So I casually mentioned it to my father by saying "daddy there is a white girl dating a black guy and a black girl dating a white guy at school" with an inflection of shock in my voice. He remained quiet so I added, "what would YOU do if I did THAT"? At which point he simply said, "well if you were happy I guess I wouldn't do anything". Then as I do now I lived and breathed for my father's approval and this simple sentence shrank me down to nothing. He put me in my place and told me very clearly he was disappointed in my behavior. It was a crossroads in my life. I have never again thought to judge someone based on the color of their skins. I often think how different I would be had my father added fuel to my hatred. And just to paint a full picture this is a man born in the eastern farms of NC in 1936. He had every opportunity to embrace hatred. Parents must realize even when their children no longer sit in their laps, even when they have convinced themselves they are fully grown, even when they are embarrassed by the mere presence of their parents; children are STILL listening and watching and learning. I pray that this girl is able to make her own way and not be unduly influenced by her father's fears.
Sending encouragement your way. You're truly an imitable model for what it means to seek unity within the Body. Thank you.
There are many exceptions - hopefully, some day it will just be part of the rules. Here's my daughter with her african-american date.
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B4CfLEaBAXZhbjFHRi16NmNZSm8
Dawn,
You don't know me, but your words have inspired me. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for writing with such grace while still standing for son. My daughter is only a year old. I can only dream that when she falls in love, that her man will have a wonderful mother like you.
God bless you and your sweet family Emily. Thanks.
Beautiful Maureen, thanks for sharing!
Thank you Mary.
Keep loving on that sweet baby and give her Jesus. She will find a wonderful "mom in love" that reminds her of her own. Blessings to you friend.
Thanks Mama, be blessed.
Dear Dawn, I just came across your blog through another one today and was heartbroken to read this post. The mother of three kids myself, I simply teach our children that we love and respect all people equally. Period.
I am so very sorry your son suffered the pain of this experience. No one should be treated that way - especially by someone who claims to be a follower of Christ. Shame on them!!!!
Sending you Love and prayers and a commitment not to be silent when I see injustices like this committed.
Monna
Awwwwwwww - the black guy doesn't get to get a white girl. waaaaaaaaaaa - cry me a river. Look at the media - 24 hours a day they pair off black guys with white girls, and endlessly brainwash white girls. Some white guys have had it with this genocide by brainwashing.
Sorry for your pain; my white son encounters a different kind of prejudice having grown up with a learning disability. At his high school, black kids and the white girls that proudly date them and parade the pictures in their Facebook profiles shun him. I empathize with the difficulty of being a mother watching your child unfairly subjected to the hurtful judgement of narrow minds.
It is unfortunate that you missed the point of this post. This is not about the Hollywood sensationalism of the prized white girl or the latest episode of a scripted reality show. This is real life. This is about our lack of ability to embrace differences and respect one another in a covenantal Christian community. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hello Dawn..I'm not sure why I'm writing you. I guess maybe I'm seeking guidance and don't know where to look. I hope you can help me. I'm the mother of three daughters and a son. My 14 year old daughter is a beautiful girl..inside and out. Shes a cheerleader and honor student. I just recently found out she likes a black boy. I am the daughter of a very prejudiced mom and dad. Who taught me to hate. Even though I never agreed with their views, and didn't raise my kids to hate.. part of their preaching must've tainted me. I never dreamed or thought about "what if my daughter wanted to date a black guy" when it happened, I broke down and cried. I don't think it was because of the color of his skin but because I know this will never be accepted in my family and the hurt it will bring to us all. However, I want to support my daughter. I'm just so torn and sad. Please, if you have any words of wisdom I'd appreciate them. Thank you, Dawn
Hello Friend,
Thank you for your transparency. You have answered your own question. Love and support your daughter. Parenting is a hard thing to navigate at times. We have to make tough decisions, ask hard questions, and sometimes go it alone. I appreciate your decision to end prejudice in your family, please remain true to that. Remember, that young man is someone else's pride and joy as well. You have done a great job raising an honor student and an obviously talented, well-liked daughter if she is also a cheerleader. The best thing that you have done is raise a daughter that is neither afraid nor ashamed to be around people different than she. That speaks to the courage and confidence she has within and the trust she has for you, otherwise, she would have dated behind your back. It's okay to cry mom, it's okay to be sad, confused, angry. But please, do not violate the trust with your daughter or plant hatred inside her. On the other hand, don't be naive. The world can still be cruel. You may have to have "the talk" with your daughter in the most loving way you know how. Let her know that she will face adversity, prejudice, and discrimination. Tell her it may even come from within her own family. Prepare her for what is ahead. You may even have to allow her to gain a few bumps and bruises along the way. Be near, but don't shield her from what is to come. She may have to cry a few tears, but it is all a part of growing up. It's how we all learned. Just be sure you're there to dry those tears and be a shoulder to lean on. It's almost like teaching her to walk again. She may stumble and fall, but it's all a part of the process. This is also the point where you defend her to your family, friends, and co-workers. Everyone doesn't need to know your family business, but your decision should be made in your house and you should all be united on all fronts. Fourteen may be old enough to date, but it's a LONG way from the altar. Embrace your children, be confident in who you are and who you have raised them to be. You, my friend, are a world changer. Thank you.
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