I Didn't Want to Be a Mom

While pretending to be asleep as my crew makes me a surprise breakfast, I reflect on 2012 and I am eternally grateful. (Sidebar~ really guys? How long does it take to scramble an egg and burn the toast? I've been waiting for like an hour!)   This past month of motherhood has been the greatest one yet.  I have watched my children face adversity head on, go into battle like warriors, and come out unharmed. And to think, 20 years ago, I didn't want children.

Twenty years ago, Oprah Winfrey was my idol. I had been groomed to be an independent Black woman.  I interned with one of the largest banks in the nation and had lunch with the guy whose signature was stamped on the checks.  I was trained in management and had every intention of being the Queen Bee of a Fortune 500 by age 30. I was taught to set goals and do something everyday to accomplish that goal, and I did.  When I was 18, I made more money than my mother.  I wore suits to work everyday and carried a briefcase. A family would only slow me down and ruin my life plan of waking up to the Atlantic Ocean every morning.

But God....

During my planning process of world domination and accumulating stacks and stacks of cash, I noticed that it was never enough.  There was always somebody smarter, more connected, and more driven than me.  It became exhausting and overwhelming.  I wanted fulfillment.

So I married a preacher. Ha!

While I still have lunch with the guy who signs the checks (wink), the Queen Bee thing often backfires and the Fortune 500 sometimes ends up a "Series of UNfortunate Events." To be honest, marriage has been the most challenging thing I've ever done.  Parenting, even worse. But God has given me grace to do them both, sometimes successfully. Sometimes, not so much. I am so thankful God gave me the desires of my heart through parenting even though he had to change my desire to the things he desired for me. Going my own way would have caused me to miss out on the most rewarding part of my life~ raising children. I would take dirty diapers and throw up over a designer suit any day. (FYI~ God can do both!)

 The bonus is that my marriage and family is not in competition with anyone else. I get to run the race set before me (Heb. 12:1,2). I am only in competition with myself and ALL God has called me to do. So I don't give a rip who's smarter, more connected or more driven. I'm not running that race. Embrace who you are and where God has you. Whether you have a full house or are praying fervently for God to fill it, run the race set before YOU. God will give you grace.

Hot Pink Stilettos and Arizona Tea

The day I originally wrote this blog, was the day I read about Trayvon Martin. I had seen it posted on friends' pages for over a week. I decided not to be a bandwagoner.  I ignored it. Annoyed by the repetitive posts, I finally clicked on the link.  It broke my heart. And for about 30 seconds, I wondered, "what's the use?"  WHY would I bother trying to raise model citizens if they would just end up being treated like savages and shot on the street. A black male doesn't stand a chance in America. It added to the frustration I already felt and reopened a wound that had just recently started to heal. I immediately called an audible in my household and ONCE AGAIN, we changed our protocol. 

I changed my son's curfew.  I limited his visitation radius and he now had to check-in with me every time he changed locations. And no, he could no longer wear his hoodie at night.  This new list was added to our ban on wearing red, wearing all black, walking at night with a group of other black boys, and associating too closely with white girls.  Sound silly?  Not to black families.  ALL of these things have gotten black boys both harassed and killed. (Somebody with a gun felt threatened)  Arizona Tea was once a staple in our home. Our taste buds have changed.

The past 3 months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. The  Prom drama  opened a plethora of opinions, speculations, assumptions, and blatant ignorant remarks from my readers. For all of them, I am grateful. I was especially blessed to have my Christian friends surround me with love and encouragement. The Lord of Hosts was with me, as he was with David facing Goliath.  However, the greatest lesson I learned was about myself. We ALL still have a LONG way to go:

I sat at a recent sporting event and caught a glimpse of my "offender." I wanted to approach him and ask why the melanin in my skin offended him.  I wanted to know why he was such a coward and allowed his daughter to face ridicule.  Most of all, I wanted to know why he had not returned my phone calls. Instantly, I heard the Lord speak to me through my spirit. God reminded me that the anger and bitterness I had for that man was no different from the hatred he had for me. God reminded me that it is only by grace through faith that I am saved. I was humbled. At that moment, I released my offender and walked away. I forgave him. Jesus did that for me on the cross.

You see, we are ALL one bad decision away from an offensive comment, a fit of anger, a life-changing choice. Will you walk away or pull the trigger?

My son went to prom on Friday night.  He had the time of his life.  His date? A beautiful head turning blonde in a silver sequined dress wearing hot pink stilettos. They have been buddies since middle school. We knew her parents. We've been to their home.... (same story, different girl)

As my son prepares to leave my home to pursue his dream of playing college football, his father and I will cover him daily with prayer and believe God for his protection.  As he takes his melanin, his hoodie, and love of Skittles and Arizona tea, I will be left with 2 recently taken pictures of him: one taken at a sporting event with my son standing and cheering next to a man (unknowingly) who showed hatred toward him, and another taken at prom with the man's daughter.

It's how we were razed....

My Black son can't take your white daughter to Prom.

It is the culmination of senior year, Prom.  For weeks I have gone back and forth with my son as he has tried to decide who to ask.  He has a great group of friends that have loved, respected and supported each other throughout high school.  They attend every event as an entourage, each taking turns as the superstar.  So who to ask wasn't a HUGE issue, it was more of a technical issue.  Every Homecoming, Christmas, Powder Puff, and yes, Prom picture has been taken as a group.  They are inseparable!

So when he decided to take a buddy that he had known since middle school, I was relieved.  They were in the same group last year at prom so this year would be easy.  We knew the parents.  We've been to their home.  Our kids had even transferred to a new school together.

He asked, she said yes.

Imagine my surprise when my son came home for lunch today and told me that his date gave him a tearful cancellation and said that her father didn't "believe in that."  It knocked the wind out of me, but my son handled it like a man.  He was sober and mature. But I knew he was hurt. He passed up the opportunity to hang with his friends at the local burrito shop to come home and talk to me.

After our conversation, I wept.  I ached for my son. All that he had worked for and achieved in his lifetime was taken away from him in an instant.  For those few seconds, my son was nothing but a worthless nigger unworthy to be in the presence of a white girl. He had been lynched 2012 style. Publicly ridiculed and punished without having committed a crime.  Sentenced to a slow death with a lethal injection of hatred that will inevitably bring about a tinge of fear and inferiority that would last him a lifetime.

This is not an issue that I choose to sweep under the rug.  It is a wound that can only heal with exposure.  We have exercised restraint in many other instances. But this story will be told.  We have pioneered many efforts and made tremendous sacrifices in an effort to break down racial barriers in our community.  It is my belief that this is a "sin thing" more than a "skin thing." Remember, we know this family well (not well enough apparently). Our kids attend Christian school together ~one of which was covenantal~  Yet they have misrepresented themselves as well as Christ.

Yes, there WILL be a dialogue. Unlike the public embarrassment my son was sentenced to today, it will be held in private and the issue will be discussed.  The days of little Black boys being the token friend, stellar athlete, lead singer, and (my personal favorite), charity case in lily white churches and communities must cease. Stop pimpin' the kids!  Was he invited to your house?  Your birthday party? Or do you only sing his praises when he scores in the game? If he can't be part of your (entire) world, you should really evaluate whether or not you are fulfilling your purpose as it pertains to winning souls to God's Diverse Kingdom.

 Let us no longer make excuses. Can we please commit to one another to try to do better?  Can we share this world God has given us with an appreciation of our differences? Can we truly embrace the differences in one another and not just cop out with "I don't see color" and go on our merry way to the other side of town?  Can we TRULY lay our sins before God and ask him to help us, heal us, and restore us?  Can we repent and change our ways?

In time, my son will heal from this, but he will never be as secure in himself as he was yesterday.  I'll get over it, and we'll move on.  Until then,

We're being razed.....

OMG, did you learn anything I taught you?

For JT~

As a Christian parent doing her best to raise great kids, I often find myself wondering if anything I've taught has actually been learned!  All the prayers, bible studies, classes, and books seem to fade into the distance as disrespect, rebellion, and slothfulness subtly creeps in.  Where are my perfect children?  Have they learned anything? Well friends, the answer is yes.  In my years of experience, there are some lessons that yield a quick return on investment.  You don't have to write your memoirs to see God's faithfulness. He will give you a glimpse.....
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"Uh, mom, that's a little harsh. You should be more like Jerry's mom." "Boy! Shut up and wash them dishes!!"

Apparently, when you raise smart kids, they eventually get a mind of their own and use all that you have taught them against you.  Such it was with my teenage son, Doc. He remembered all the times I have asked him to be polite and respectful to everyone, never judge someone based on the opinions of others, and NEVER hurt a friend's feelings.  So imagine my chagrin when he slowly began to hold all of that goodness and love against me in the case of "Jerry's mom."
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It Takes a Village (idiot) to Raise a Teenager

I have always taken a lot of pride in raising my children.  I haven't worked full-time in 17 years in an effort to give them all the attention they needed, teach them and train them in the ways of the Lord, and provide a healthy stable environment.  As a result, they all read at an early age, were A honor roll students, recited the Westminster catechism with ease and would pray for your salvation at the drop of a dime. I had achieved ultimate parenting perfection.  It was a matter of time before I would take over the world!!  As my evil plan to achieve world domination continued, I made sure my children didn't mix with your B level student, form a relationship with your wayward child, or be seen in public acting "unsavory." 
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